Revelation

My dad has cancer. Yes, that feels as horrible to write as I knew it would and every time I say it I keep hoping that it will make it easier, but it does not.

He went in a few weeks ago to have his kidney stones removed and they discovered a tumor in his bladder the size of a quarter. They removed it along with the stones, biopsied it and discovered that it is malignant. It is bladder cancer, pretty aggressive, but fortunately it has not spread anywhere else yet. It was also so calcified from his body fighting it, which is a great sign that he is in such good overall physical health.

His doctor wanted to have his bladder removed, prostate removed, some other internal organs removed and then do massive bouts of radiation and chemotherapy. My dad said no. He is instead deciding to do an alternative treatment that has a 90% cure rate for his type of cancer and that also was used by an aunt in my family in her fight several years ago against breast cancer. She has been cancer free for over 7 years and stayed very healthy and active as well.

I am supporting him in this completely. I think that a person has to do what is right for them and he would not do well with such a massive lifestyle change. So, that means I am cautiously optimistic. I hope that this turns out well, I hope that he fights it like he has never fought anything. I hope he is around to see my daughters graduate from college, because the idea of him not being around for them breaks my heart more than I can adequately express.

I know, there are several of you who read this who lost parents to cancer or have parents who are battling it still. I never could understand before, and to be honest I still can't because everyone has a different perspective. Just know this, I love you all the more for being so brave and strong and making it through everyday.

So, I am working very hard on forgiveness. I am also working very hard on moving forward and not looking back. I am embracing each day with the knowledge that it is one more day with people I love and it is up to me to decide how to spend it. Most importantly, I am counting the blessings and giving thanks for every one.

Stone

It's been a month since I had anything to say. Anything worth while that is. Oh sure, things happen in my world, they happen all the time regardless of what I say or do. Just none of it seemed blog worthy, you know? So what do I have to say now you ask? Well, we had a crisis of minor, but somehow overwhelmingly major porportions this weekend. The unfortunate thing for now is that I can't talk about it, I am not allowed to right now, not until we know more.

So, in the meantime I sit here thinking about how my life changes with the slightest tilt of the earth. I am left to evaluate my life, my friends, my family and what it all means for me. More importantly I am full of regret. There is a lot of time that was spent in bitterness and anger, time that I now realize I lost. How stupid of me. I wonder if the lessons that I have had in my life were always leading me to realize this. Then I think, maybe this is not the end of the lessons, there is always one more lurking out there ready to pull the rug out from under you just as stand upright again.