With Friends Like These

I have been trying to write this post for a long time, been thinking about it for months really. It is hard to summarize your feelings for another person, let alone two other people, when they are such an integral part of yourself.

There are these two women who could not be more different in most every way from me, and from each other. Yet the three of us complete each other in a way I would never have thought possible. I have known these amazing women for the vast majority of my life, yet every time I am with them I learn so much more about them that is almost like I did not know them at all. I am often amazed that we are friends for how different our backgrounds, families, and lives are. But, it seems to me know that this difference, this patchwork of who we are as individuals makes the most amazing quilt of love, support, laughter, tears, joy, sorrow, and passion imaginable.
For 5 weeks this summer I felt like I was 17 again, yet with all my experiences, wisdom, and perspective available to allow me to see how truly rare and special this relationship is. My friend Sharon was home from Germany for a little over 2 months in the summer and fortunately the last part of our puzzle, Devita had been living here for over a year so it was the first time the three of us had been all together since my wedding 12 years ago. And the first time in 20 years that we were able to do it for such an extended length of time.

If I were to count the total hours that we spent talking together, staying up till 1 am with cups of coffee or glasses of wine, I am sure it would be over 60. The funny and great thing is that it did not feel like it was ever enough. No matter how much talking we did or the subjects we discussed, I never felt like I had enough. I could drink from the well of this synergy forever and never be quenched. I would feel energized and alive, and yes, very loved - but I would never, could never, get my fill.

So, to my two incredible friends, my ya-ya's, I want to say thank you. Sharon, thank you for always being so full of adventure, positive energy, curiosity, love, bravado, and grace. You remind me all the time of the goodness that exists in this world and the beauty in the little everyday moments of life. You are so inspiring as a mother, your children are the most unique, polite, gracious, loving, and inquisitive beings I have ever had the pleasure of being around. I often wonder how there is enough of you to go around because you are so loved by so many. Thank you for being my friend, for pushing me to do better and be better, and for always encouraging me in every thing I wanted to do, no matter how crazy. You always make me feel like I am the most important person and I have never for a moment doubted your loyalty and devotion.

Devita, I love and appreciate so many things about you I can hardly name them all. I appreciate your ability to be goofy with me and to remind me to relax and have fun. I am so thankful for your honesty and ability to see the truth and reality in every situation. You are so accepting, warm, loving, kind, and compassionate. You always see the good in others, are a true connoisseur of life, and I know without a doubt that you would always have my back. Thank you for reminding me of who I am and what is decent in me. Thank you for keeping me grounded and for lifting me up. You are such an amazing free spirit - I have always loved that about you.

I am eternally grateful that we three share the bond that we do and I am so very lucky to have you both in my life. I think my daughter summed up how I feel best the other day when she was talking about wanting to live next to her best girlfriends. She wanted one to live on either side of her, with no fence between them, and a big tree house in the backyard where they could swing, talk, catch bugs, have sleep overs, and laugh.

Sounds perfect to me kid, sounds perfect to me.

Moments

I having one of those moments, and it has been going on for about 6 months now. This year has been looming on the horizon for 20 years and the weight of it is like a 500 pound albatross around my neck. I feel like I can't breathe, I can't think, I am so numb, yet so emotionally raw at the same instant.

I would really love to just pack up and leave in the middle of the night. No forwarding address, change my name, ditch the social, and fall off the grid. Anything to forget who I am and more importantly leave the past behind. Instead, I carry it with me in my heart. No, in my soul is more accurate.

I am in pain. I am suffering. And it feels that nothing, nothing will ever make it right again. I know in mind that it will be ok. That Labor day will pass and the leaves will change, with it will come a rebirth of my spirit. But for now, I am treading water trying not to drown.

Time Marches On

And it seems to be marching across my face. OK, seriously, I need to update, just been too long. First off, the kids are amazing and doing wonderful. H turned 2 (pictures will be posted at some point) and had a fun family party. Lots of Elmo things - he is her favorite person and I hear his name (but is sounds like Melmo) at least 50 times a day..adorable! She is talking a lot, not very clearly, but I get the idea. She is still highly emotional and it is like a crazy roller coaster ride with her, however I would not want it any other way as the flip side to that is her cuddly and very funny self.

G-Baby is busy with her social calendar and a myriad of activities. Irish dance keeps her the most busy and she is doing so great with it. She is moving up a level and joining the performance group this summer now that she has decided that she is serious about it, so that will be not only good for her, but an amazing opportunity to grow and improve. With school she is her typical brainiac self - they took the end of levels last week and she had the highest score, which she was pretty proud of. Only missed 1 on English and 2 on Math! I am proud of her too, but we are walking the fine line and learning the lessons of being humble and thankful also. Personally, I am just happy she loves school, but she was really blessed this year with great teachers and the chance to spread her wings a little more. She did this incredible mobile for her art fair at school, which is happening next week. I am secretly hoping she lets me have it when the fair is over so I can put it in my bedroom. It is very reminiscent of Calder only it includes animals (I know, shocking right?!)

As for me, I changed my major so I am now earning my Masters degree in Management with an emphasis in HR. I am very excited about it and feel like I made the right decision. The Adult Ed/Training one was cool, but I felt it was limiting and just not exactly what I wanted. I know the next 2 years will be hard work to finish it, but so worth it in the end. To get on my high horse for a minute, honestly I do not understand why people do not pursue their education if they have the means to do it. I am not talking about people who have no money, don't want to take out a loan, or don't need the education because they are close to retiring. I am talking about those people who have tuition reimbursement and don't use it or those who started and then stopped to have kids, because they got a great job, whatever. I talk to so many people everyday who give nothing but excuses as to why they can't (I was one of those for years so know what I am talking about) and rarely hear or talk to those who can or will. But let me tell you, those who do and are going to school now and are feeling so great about it, despite the struggle and hardship, they are who I call when I have a bad day. Because I made a difference to that one person and they to me. It is like the starfish story, I made a difference to that one! This is my way of saving that I love, Love, LOVE my job and am so honored to be a part of the University. I am so thankful and blessed that my life lead me here.

A week ago, D and I celebrated 12 glorious years of wedded bliss...hooray! We had an early anniversary present, Michael Buble in March (beyond words how amazing a performer he is). But last Saturday we just went out and had a nice dinner, movie, coffee and backgammon evening. I again lost both games of backgammon, some day that man is going down..I don't care what it takes or how I have to cheat to do it!

Lastly, my dad had his bladder removed and they built a new one out of bowel. He is out of the hospital and recovering now for the next 3 weeks. The surgery took over 10 hours and the tumor was larger than they thought, but had not spread. He is feeling good, said he felt like several buses hit him at once, but is in better spirits and a better place than he was before it. I can understand why it is hard, hearing that you have a terminal illness and facing your own mortality is not easy by an stretch of the imagination. I am just so grateful that Char is there to take care of him and support him. I know he is too.

End transmission.

Rick Evans - Rest In Peace

This past Tuesday, very early in the morning, in a hospital in Salt Lake my husband lost his oldest and closest friend as a result of an aortic dissection. Four years ago, on my husbands birthday no less, we discovered that Rick had this problem when he called my husband because he was in a lot of pain and could not get himself to the hospital. On the way there, Rick almost passed out in the back of our car. Upon arriving at the hospital we find out that Rick has most likely an aortic disscetion and that he will need to be life flighted down to Salt Lake. They managed to stabilize him then and kept him the hospital for a few weeks. However, the prognosis was not good, it is too risky to operate and only two hospitals in the US perform the surgery. Even then, the chances of serious complications arising, make it too risky. So, Rick was told to control his blood pressure with pills and not engage in strenuous activities. But, we all knew that it was not a matter of if anymore, but when. Unfortunately, we all found out that when on Tuesday morning. I am just grateful we had those additional four years as most people with this do not survive the initail dissection.

What my husband has described to me as Rick's last few hours are images that will not leave my thoughts, and I was not even there. I cannot imagine what my husband is feeling watching his friend die in front of him in severe pain and the knowledge that death is upon him. After the death of our son, then his mom the same year (which coincidentally was the same year of Rick's dissection)it has taken several years for my husband to get his sense of humor back and return to some version of his former self. I cannot fathom what this will do to him. It is not the same as losing a child and parent, but when you have been friends, more like brothers, for 30years it is going to leave a hell of a mark.

Rick and my husband met when they were in grade school and have been best friends ever since. They shared a love for both James Bond and Star Trek and could quote from both at random intervals. In fact, it became a contest to see who could name the movie or episode the fastest. They spent countless hours playing video games at Rick's apartment. Since he was a bachelor it was the perfect place to go veg and vent. Alone they each have a sense of humor that is beyond funny, but together it was milk coming out your nose and peeing your pants kind of funny. I am so grateful that they had each other, that they got to experience the kind of friendship that few do.

We shall miss you Rick.

Getting Jiggy With It

I have all these pictures I should update, but I am just too lazy to spend the time doing it. So, instead I will put up the video from G-baby's recent dance recital. She has been doing Irish Dance for about a year now and has improved so much from where she was.

Revelation

My dad has cancer. Yes, that feels as horrible to write as I knew it would and every time I say it I keep hoping that it will make it easier, but it does not.

He went in a few weeks ago to have his kidney stones removed and they discovered a tumor in his bladder the size of a quarter. They removed it along with the stones, biopsied it and discovered that it is malignant. It is bladder cancer, pretty aggressive, but fortunately it has not spread anywhere else yet. It was also so calcified from his body fighting it, which is a great sign that he is in such good overall physical health.

His doctor wanted to have his bladder removed, prostate removed, some other internal organs removed and then do massive bouts of radiation and chemotherapy. My dad said no. He is instead deciding to do an alternative treatment that has a 90% cure rate for his type of cancer and that also was used by an aunt in my family in her fight several years ago against breast cancer. She has been cancer free for over 7 years and stayed very healthy and active as well.

I am supporting him in this completely. I think that a person has to do what is right for them and he would not do well with such a massive lifestyle change. So, that means I am cautiously optimistic. I hope that this turns out well, I hope that he fights it like he has never fought anything. I hope he is around to see my daughters graduate from college, because the idea of him not being around for them breaks my heart more than I can adequately express.

I know, there are several of you who read this who lost parents to cancer or have parents who are battling it still. I never could understand before, and to be honest I still can't because everyone has a different perspective. Just know this, I love you all the more for being so brave and strong and making it through everyday.

So, I am working very hard on forgiveness. I am also working very hard on moving forward and not looking back. I am embracing each day with the knowledge that it is one more day with people I love and it is up to me to decide how to spend it. Most importantly, I am counting the blessings and giving thanks for every one.

Stone

It's been a month since I had anything to say. Anything worth while that is. Oh sure, things happen in my world, they happen all the time regardless of what I say or do. Just none of it seemed blog worthy, you know? So what do I have to say now you ask? Well, we had a crisis of minor, but somehow overwhelmingly major porportions this weekend. The unfortunate thing for now is that I can't talk about it, I am not allowed to right now, not until we know more.

So, in the meantime I sit here thinking about how my life changes with the slightest tilt of the earth. I am left to evaluate my life, my friends, my family and what it all means for me. More importantly I am full of regret. There is a lot of time that was spent in bitterness and anger, time that I now realize I lost. How stupid of me. I wonder if the lessons that I have had in my life were always leading me to realize this. Then I think, maybe this is not the end of the lessons, there is always one more lurking out there ready to pull the rug out from under you just as stand upright again.

Resolute

res⋅o⋅lute /ˈrɛzəˌlut/ [rez-uh-loot]
–adjective
1.firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion.
2.characterized by firmness and determination, as the temper, spirit, actions, etc.

This year that is how I feel, resolute. I am not making resolutions just to have them be broken. I am not just flippantly looking at the year and trying to figure out what I could "stick with". I am being resolute in my commitments, I am being determined in all that I do. I am resolute.

What is spurring this you ask? Settle in, grab a drink and let me tell you. I am out of control. Completely and utterly out of control. Anyone who knows me can imagine how this is settling in my bones. Not well. I have a job that I love, but it takes a lot of effort and a lot of time, which means by the time I do make it home I am undone. I have barely anything left to give and feel like I am expected to give until I bleed. Whatever I do have to give goes to the girls first, school second, the house third, and sadly my husband last. I am resolute.

I am attempting to create a better life for my family, which means that I have gone back to school for my Masters degree. Is this crazy? Probably. Should it have been my husbands turn to go to school or do something else instead. Definitely. So, was this me being selfish or me seeking a better way? I don't know. It is what it is. I am resolute.

I am resolute that somehow this will all work. I am resolute that I will be a better mom. I am resolute that I will be a better friend. I am resolute that there will be more romance and renewed commitment in my marriage. I am resolute that I will just say no to others more and yes to my kids, my husband, my family more. I am resolute that I will become healthier for my girls - to be an example and to show them the right path. I am resolute. I am resolute. I. Am. Resolute.