I Shall Call You Squishy

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month - if you have not done it already, make an appointment to have your boobs squished! A mammogram is very, very important and still one of the best ways to detect for breast cancer. (For the male readers, no need to have your boobs squished, if you have man boobs. But how about a prostate exam? I do NOT want to hear one complaint about it being humliating or whatever. It could be worse. It could be testicular cancer screening done with a mammogram machine!)

'Allo, 'allo

My 5 Favorite British Movies

The Full Monty ~ By far one of the funniest movies, but heartwarming at the same time. I am sure that this movie re-inspired my love for garden gnomes.
The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover ~ Deliciously funny, Helen Mirren is so sexy, the way this is filmed is amazing.
Room with a View ~ Sweet story and just so British
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels - Great plot, funny as hell, completely madcap, Sting is in it...what more do you want?
A Clockwork Orange - This took me three tries of watching it to really like it and "get it" completely. Now, I think it is brilliant. Not something I want to watch all the time, but brilliant.

Bootiful

I love Halloween. Not in the “I think that dead things, gore, blood, and monsters are cool and I want to watch every thriller/slasher/scary movie there is until I puke or kill someone” kind of way. More in the “aren’t those pumpkins/witches/black cats/ghosts cute and wouldn’t they go nicely with my existing collection of Halloween crap that fills 5 plastic tubs” kind of way. Seriously, I have more Halloween decorations than I know what to do with. I have plates and cups, set of 12. I have tablecloths, kitchen towels, and blankets. I have at 30 different pumpkin things, seriously. Now, you need to know that being born in mid-October sort of forced me to either love it or hate it. Then having my first child born on that day just made it that much more special to me. So at our house, it is a pretty big deal. My daughter and I decorate the house the last weekend of September and it all stays up until the Christmas decorations go up after Thanksgiving. We drink apple cider (I use the term “we” loosely as any time I offer it to her I get such horrid gagging noises emitting from her that I panic thinking she is dreadfully sick and send her straight to bed!), we watch Halloween movies – Charlie Brown, Winnie the Pooh, Monster House – while we stuff ourselves on bite sized candy and popcorn. Whoever came up with the whole “bite size” thing anyway? It is such a trap, you think “oh, bite size, I can eat just one…or 20 and they all count as just bites”! Wrong! (said in my Dana Carvey/McLaughlin group voice)

Where was I? Oh yes, Halloween. So, I am a big fan of Stephen King as you may well know. I love reading his books, but am not much into other horror writers, even though Koontz is not bad. However, do not assume that because I love Stephen Kings books that I love scary movies, haunted houses, or being scared in anyway. I despise it. The books I can handle because it is my own mind so I just turn that off when I am sick of it (this happens more than you think…damn mind). But the movies or haunted houses, those images will stick with me forever. The last time I went to a haunted house was on a double date when I was 17 with my boyfriend at the time, Clayton and his friend. All I remember is people coming at me with syringes, chainsaws, and fake blood all over everywhere. I couldn’t get out, people were screaming (people is probably too vague, I was screaming), the people I was with were laughing their asses off. When we finally got outside Clayton got a good look at me and seriously thought I was going to faint…he said I was gray...not white, gray. All I knew is that I never, ever wanted to go to another haunted house again. And movies? No way, no how. The last scary movie that I saw was Signs by M. Night Shamalyan. I know, you are saying “what the fuck, that is not scary you big wuss!” It probably isn’t to you. To me, well let’s just say that I could not walk by the TV with it off for several months and glasses of water on the counter freaked me out. Our oldest was barely 1 at the time, so we had a baby monitor..yeah, you guessed it. D used to go up to her room and make the alien noises in the monitor when I was down in the basement with the receiver. And to top it off, a week after seeing it I had to go to Nebraska for work and my hotel room was near a cornfield. What a blast.

So while everyone else enjoys the spooky side to Halloween, I will instead be happy watching the kids trick or treat, relish the sound of leaves crunch under my feet, spend hours searching for acorns on walks with the girls, and curl up with D by a fire. To me, that is the perfect Halloween.

The Best Part

This is an addition, addendum, addawhapawhoopee to my previous post about my birthday weekend. The best part of the whole AmyGras for me was talking to my friend Sharon on the phone for just over 2 hours. You need to know that she lives in Germany. Has lived there for over a year. Before she left I had not seen here for about a year, and since she has been gone, I have visited with her in person one time. That one time was great, as all our conversations have been, but we did not get to see each other until 10 p.m., we stayed talking in her sisters kitchen with other people around (which does not really allow for the conversations we want) until 1:30 a.m. and then it was off to our traditional coffee and a banana split at Denny’s until about 4:00 a.m. when she had to get back to her sisters to leave for a flight at 5:00 a.m. It was not quite the quality time that either of us wanted or needed and in reality, I am not sure how much of it either one of us remember!

Sharon has been my friend since I was about 10 when she moved next door. We were very good friends for a few years, until they moved across town and she ended up in different schools. We sort of stayed in touch (remember no cell phones, no email..things were so much more complicated in the ‘80’s!), but were not very good at it. In high school my friend Devita told me in the first week of school about a girl in her English class that was so cool and I just had to meet her. Funny thing, it was Sharon. It is amazing to me how friends connect, what they see in others, and how those bonds are formed. Well, since then really, we have been true friends. We went through a lot of shit together, none of it that I really want to go into here because it is personal to Sharon and I will not share her secrets and in reality, I probably find it all much more interesting than anyone else does. Suffice it to say, “we came together, fell apart, broke each other’s hearts” and in the end we forged a lifelong bond. Sometimes I think Sharon is the yin to my yang…in the friend way. She “gets” me, more than anyone else besides D. She reminds me of who I am. She is always so full of genuine love, praise, and encouragement for me, probably more than I feel I deserve. She is an amazing creature as her capacity for adventure, romance, and compassion know no bounds. If ever I wanted to just jump off a building for some unknown reason, she is the first person I would call. Not because she would talk me out of it, but because she would say “let me grab my camera, some bungee cords, and a thermos of coffee and we will go together”.

Sharon is that person that I would end up next to in a jail cell with her laughing her incredible full belly laugh and saying “well that was fun, next time let’s try not to get caught”! I love her completely. Her ability to write the most amazing stories is always awe inspiring. She is beautiful, creative, insightful, and knows how to really communicate with others. I have never seen anything like it. She has the most incredible brood of kids who are smart, well behaved, adventurous, generous, and totally free. I do not think I have ever met a family that is so happy to just “be”. She probably does not know this, but I measure myself to her all the time. I always think “how would Sharon handle this” or “what would she do”…that always gives me the right answer or solution. I am so thankful to God that she has graced my life and I look forward to many, many more nights of coffee and banana splits.

You Say It's your Birthday!

So Sunday (the 19th) was it and it was not bad, not bad at all. I tuned 36 this year, which seems amazing to me as I still feel like I am a kid. Some people still treat me that way, but that is another story. I am one of those people who love my birthday, it never fazes me to get older, nor do I worry about that. In my mind, getting older is better than the alternative and it is the one day of the year that is all about you, so why would you not like it? This year was even better as it was the first birthday in a few years that the weather allowed me to take a walk…without a parka! You never know here with the middle of October what you are going to get weather-wise. Amy-Gras started with dinner Friday night at Olive Garden, the highlight of which was lecturing Missy G in a bathroom stall about her bad behavior and how dare she even think to ruin my damn birthday! Whew, after that, another glass of wine, and some ice cream from Baskin & Robbins things were fine. Saturday was spent going to the last soccer game for the season, where Missy G’s team got their butts kicked by the Green Frogs! It was such a slaughter that I lost track of the score. All I know is that she had fun, which is really all that mattered. The day culminated with the Children’s Discovery Museum, new shirts from the Gap for Missy G, and dinner out at our favorite Chinese restaurant. On Sunday Missy G performed at church with the kids bell choir and choir, Feisty Spice was baptized and it was lovely. Then the church had an Oktoberfest potluck, complete with brats and beer! (God, I love being a Presbyterian!) Next week our church is celebrating Reformation Sunday, or as the Catholics call it “Heretics Day”. So we commemorate when our church broke away from the Catholic faith, and since Presbyterians are Scottish by origin we have bagpipes, kilts, haggis, and shortbread….woohoo!

Anyway, I digress. For the remainder of my Birthday I went for a lovely walk down at the River Parkway, D just let me relax and he made dinner (Salmon, rice pilaf, and steamed broccoli), then my friends and family came over for strawberry cheesecake and presents. I got a few awesome things – a gift card to the spa, a can of “Obamaccino”, a very cute tiny tea pot that I saw at the museum this summer and really wanted (way to go mom!), the move Fargo on DVD, John Mellencamps new CD, a Stephen King novel and comic edition of Dark Tower, a gift card to Chillis and babysitting from my sister-in-law, jellybellies, and an IHome stereo for our living room. On Monday for another birthday present my mom took me to dinner in Salt Lake City at one of my favorite restaurants – Bambara. We then walked over to watch David Sedaris at Abravanel Hall. It was an absolutely hysterical show and I have not laughed that hard in ages. If you have not read any of his essays, I recommend that you do. That pretty much concluded AmyGras..other than I have a date with my husband still to cash in and a girls night out with my friend, so this could go on a while longer. This coming Saturday we are having Missy G’s birthday party with her friends and then the family party later that night. It should prove interesting, if not damaging to my delicate psyche.

Moments in Time

This week I am posting my 5 favorite moments in time. It is funny to me that D was there for all of them.

First goodnight kiss w/ D at my apartment
Wedding kiss with D touching my cheek/neck and the small of my back
First time I looked at all three kids
First time I rode a 4-wheeler
Carriage ride in New Orleans

Comforts of Home

What are you comfort foods and why? I love food, truly love the whole experience of eating and am always very willing to try anything. I am a decent cook, not going to claim to be some expert chef (I leave that to the Top Chef guys and my friend Jerry who is incredible). But, I can pull together a good meal and am not uncomfortable in the kitchen.

When I am sick, I want chicken noodle soup, out of the can, Campbell's thank you. Don't try to pass any of that fancy stuff of on me!
On rainy or snowy days I want clam chowder or tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. When I am sad and need some cheering up Irish Stew (made by D) or Bangers and Mash (made by my mum).
And my all around comfort foods for any time? Ice Cream (Burnt Almond Fudge is my favorite!) or popcorn.

Forever in Blue Jeans

Today I went to the Childrens Discovery Museum at the Gateway with my dad and the girls. It was not a bad experience, even though in hindsight I could have stayed in Ogden, gone to the Treehouse Museum, saved money and enjoyed myself just as much, but whatever. While exploring all the museum has to offer, which is quite a bit, we went to the arts and craft room to color and cut out a cute scarecrow so we would have even more craft crap hanging around my house that I secretly throw away while my daughter is not looking (otherwise she will never let me get rid of it!). While coloring said scarecrow, these teenagers come in with their little sister and sit across from us. I am then forced to listen to the following conversation:

Teen 1 - "OMG, my jeans are too big, I need to get new ones".

Teen 2 - "Shut up, mom just bought those for you. Wear a belt. I have some jeans for 5 years."

Teen 1 - "No way I can do that. Jeans go out of style and in a few months people just aren't wearing that style anymore. Besides, they always have to be designer or I won't wear them."

OK, who the hell are these girls and what the hell are their parents doing? I don't give a shit that you can afford to buy them designer jeans, the issue is that the rest of us have to live a world with the materialistic, shallow, self-centered twits that you created! The only saving grace was that one teen seemed decent. But not only was teen 1 a twit in this conversation she stole the basket of colored pencils, the scissors, and the glue that Missy G was using. Yeah, pissed me off a little.

My Girls

On Friday I tooke the girls down and had their pictures taken. I absolutely love the pictures and could not be happier with how they turned out.

AmyGras

This week, for my five favorite, I am going to just mention my five favorite things about this week.

1. Sunday is my birthday....can I get a woot, woot?!!
2. Sunday is also the day we are baptizing the baby, which is very cool as it is one year to the date that we got the results of our CVS test and determined that she was SMA free...Hallelujah!
3. My dad is in town for several days.
4. Back to a warm Indian summer (fall).
5. Going to Dave Sedaris on Monday night with my mom.

So why "AmyGras" you ask? D gave the week of my birthday that name because I celebrate it for about a week. My response is why wouldn't I? Hell, I would celebrate if for a year if I could!

Thoughts on the Debate

If you are tired of me talking about politics, are not interested in my viewpoint, or want to vomit because of how long this process seems to be taking, then look away my son. These are my thoughts on tonights debate:

It was my favorite so far. They were both engaged, the level of discussion and rebuttal was great and they both were able to come across with their points. Obama won, hands down, but McCain did better.

The topic of "taking the high road" with the ads was great and Obama was able to discuss the issue, once again, while McCain just whined about the "you didn't do town halls with me". Someone call the wahmbulance! Not to mention that he lost control of Palin and seems to be allowing her to incite riots and hatred at her rallies.

The mention by McCain that Obama is like the other "extreme enviornmentalists" because he wants nuclear power to be safe. Right...because the rest of us would prefer that it be unsafe. That would certainly solve a lot of our problems wouldn't it.

McCain stating that Sarah Palin knows a lot about children with Autism, he mentioned it twice. Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought her son had Down's Syndrome. I realize that they are both special needs, but come on! I mean, that is like saying I understand what having a child with cystic fibrosis is like because I had a son with SMA.

Also, the "spread the wealth" comment by McCain, well why shouldn't we? If given an extra $100 or $500 a year in taxes is going to help 3 families get out of a shelter and be stable, than take it. I will write the fucking check, damnit!

My favorite thing overall is that McCain kept wanting to talk about character, Ayers, Abortion, Joe the Plumber, anything other than the issue. And yet, Obama did a fantastic job of getting it back on track everytime. All in all, McCain looked angry, sighed a lot, and really seemed desperate. Obama looked presidential.

Here is something to ponder...if you combine a Dick (Cheney) + a Bush (George) = Palin. Think about it, she is Cheney in Drag, but appears to be as bad as speaking and as dumb as "W".

All Apologies

Shane asks us to write a letter of apology to someone we have wronged in the past. I had to think about this as I am usually pretty good about apologizing for my behavior, I think because I have to do it often enough! However, there are two instances that stick out in my mind that I would like to apologize for, but never got the chance. One is for a friend that I wronged and it ruined our friendship, the other is a complete stranger.

Dear Wendee,

I am so sorry for causing you to lose your job a week earlier than you wanted to. I realized that I was the salon manager and you were unhappy working for the owners, but I should have kept your confidence rather than tell them you were leaving in a week. It was difficult because I had to make it about business and not personal, but to you it was very personal as he fired you that afternoon. While it all worked out and you were able to start at the new place right away, our relationship was ruined. To you I had betrayed you by telling the owner that you were leaving and to me, I was just doing my job as the manager by letting him know what was going on. I can see that it was a mistake as in reality, I was not happy there either and our friendship was important to me. So I am sorry. I hope that your new job worked out and that you are happy in your life now. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for betraying your trust.

Dear Stranger,

I am so very sorry that I did not move over for you, your wife, and your disabled granddaughter at the movie theatre. I honestly did not realize at the time why you needed those seats and was more focused on the fact that the theatre was nearly empty and I had a fussy child with me. I should have just moved over for you and given you the room. You chastised me for it, rightly so, and I left the movie in shame before it was even over. I hope it will comfort you to know that I have never done something like that again and I now understand, more than I ever wanted to, why sitting in that row was important to you and how difficult it is for you to have taken your granddaughter out, let alone run into a rude person at the movies who was unwilling to move over one seat. Therefore, I am very, very sorry and I hope that you have forgiven me for my rudeness.

Snow

On October 11th, snow...at my house. Well that was a nice two weeks of fall! That is the thing that bothers me the most about the seasons here. We do get all four of them, it is just that Spring and Autumn tend to be a lot shorter than the rest. However, the best part about today was that it cleared all the responsibilities outside of taking care of the kids and doing laundry off my plate. So I spent the afternoon making collages with Missy G, holding the baby while she slept, taking a nap myself, and reading my book...In The Woods by Tana French (a very good book, but spooky. Perfect for October.)

Teen Angst

This is my list of the top 5 favorite teenage angst movies~

Heathers
Breakfast Club
Donnie Darko
Stand by Me
The Outsiders

"I always wear red Heather.....How come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, IT'LL BE ANARCHY!....It was as though this plan had been with him all his life, pondered through the seasons, now in his fifteenth year crystallized with the pain of puberty......If I could only have one food for the rest of my life? That's easy, Pez, cherry-flavored Pez. No question about it.....Stay Golden Pony Boy"

Husband Tag

1. Where did you meet? Blind date that was set-up by a girl I was working with in the salon. Darren was her client’s mailman, her client tried to set them up, but she was dating someone, so there you have it.
2. How long did you date before you got married? 4 years
3. How long have you been married? 10 years
4. What is your favorite feature of his? Hmm…going to try to keep this clean. I think it is his dimples, both in his cheeks and in his chin. However, those piercing blue eyes are a very close second.
5. What is your favorite quality of his? I cannot pick just one. He is loyal, honest, dedicated, patient, kind, compassionate, sweet, & loyal. I think my favorite is his sense of humor, I laugh everyday - he considers that his responsibility.
6. Does he have a nickname for you? Sassafrass, sassy pants, shmoopie, angel when I am “harping” on him too much
7. What is his favorite color? Blue
8. What is his favorite food? Chicken fried steak (any kind of steak really), green bean casserole, and Stella Artois. (He is a big steak/potatoes guy, but will try anything)
9. What is his favorite sport? Poker, he does not watch sports on TV.
10. When and where was your first kiss? Outside of my apartment after our third date.
11. What is your favorite thing to do as a couple? Oh, I cannot answer that! Ok, besides that our favorite thing is to go to Grounds for Coffee, order two huge Café Mocha’s, and play several games of backgammon after we do dinner and a movie together. This is a long standing tradition from when we were first dating.
12. Do you have any children? We had 3, two girls and a boy. Our girls are (almost) 7 and 6 months.
13. Does he have a hidden talent? He is a great dancer and sings really well.
14. How old is he? 39
15. Who said "I love you" first? Me (In the parking lot of Grounds for Coffee actually)
16. What is his favorite type of music? He is pretty open to most, but Rock and Country are his favorites. He likes disco/pop for dancing around the house with me or the girls.
17. What do you admire the most about him? His ability to see the good in people and always give them the benefit of the doubt, he has made me be a better person.
18. Do you think he will read this? No, he has over 700 pieces of unread email!

I tag....... Sharon!

Laughter in the Rain

Things that made me laugh today

~ Picking Missy G up from school and as I was waiting a little 2 year old boy walked by with his mom and he was sing "Whoops upside the head".

~The DOW dropping an additional 500 points. I laugh because I can not cry, so I laugh at how stupid Bernanke and Paulsen are.

~Standing in Rainbow Gardens with Missy G after work and she starts doing the cabbage patch!

~Wal-Mart. To be honest, this place always makes me laugh because it frustrates me so much. I have come to the conclusion that Wal-Mart (hell-mart) is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with the U.S. Too crowded, smells funny, everything is cheaply made and mass produced, their is nothing unique about it, it is impossible to find what you need without going through the store multiple times and taking 20 minutes longer and spending $50 more than you wanted. The checkers are rude when they acknowledge you, if they do at all. The people cut you off with their carts, leave them parked in the middle of the aisle, and basically do not care or pay attention unless it concerns them. The only nice person in the store is the greeter and everyone thinks they are crazy for singing out loud.

~ The baby's motorboat noises.

~This joke from Missy G "what did one elevator say to the other?" (I think I am coming down with something)

Do Over!

If give them opportunity to relive your life, what would you change?

I am happy, despite everything, with my life so I am not too full of regrets. However, if I could do my life over…..

~ I would not have gone walking to my friends house, alone when I was 15.
~ I would have called my brother before Labor Day weekend and begged him not to go to Mexico, but if he refused, I would have made sure he knew how much I loved him.
~ I would have finished my Art History degree.
~ I would have moved to Norway with my Aunt and Uncle when I had the chance.
~ I would be working in an art museum in Europe as the Head Curator
~ I would have been to every European country, Australia, China, Japan, and Russia by now.
~ I would have stuck with my violin lessons and learned several other languages fluently.
~ I would have slept with a lot more men with less emotional attachment.
~ I would have an apartment in Paris, a house in Port Rush, and a cabin in the mountains.
~ And then, I would want to give it all up to marry the same man and have my kids.

3 Years Old

(This was supposed to go up yesterday, October 6th, but my connection was down).
It is still hard for me to believe sometimes, but 3 years ago today, on a sunny October day at 2:40 in the afternoon I gave birth to our son Dylan Thomas. I can remember all the details of that day and it seems the next 2 months of his life so clearly. Darren and I were so happy to have a son, the first grandson in the family on both sides, and after the death of my brother it just felt like a second chance in some way. Dylan was such a handsome boy with a perfect little head, his dads cleft chin, and the biggest and brightest eyes I have ever seen. Even from the day he was born all the nurses and his pediatrician commented on his eyes. I should have known then that they were trying to tell me something.

Those next two months with Dylan were glorious. It was such a warm October and the leaves were so beautiful. I took him for walks everyday. He and I formed such a strong bond and connection, it was evident to everyone that he was my boy. But then. In November I started wondering and trying to remember about when it is that a baby can put weight on their legs. With 4 years between children the details of things like that were not as sharp. I had noticed that whenever I tried to get Dylan to resist with his legs and attempt to stand, I got nothing. I played it off and thought nothing of it really, just that I was pushing too much too fast. There were several other instances like this; not being able to hold his head up when on his tummy, not a lot of movement from him. I should have realized. In my heart, I knew, I KNEW something was wrong but could not bring myself to face it. I was too happy, it was too perfect. "He is just such a mellow dude" I told myself, don't worry. Damn.

To find out, at 2 months of age that your son is not going to live to the age of one, and may not make it to 3 months old because of some disease that you have never in your life heard of — there are no words. That first night that we had him in Primary's Hospital and the Doctor was telling us the possibilities: Botulism, a type of Muscular Dystrophy, some thing neurological, or a relatively unknown but common disease called SMA. I looked them up on the Internet the next morning before we went back to the hospital and once I read about SMA, I knew. It fit. I did not tell anyone that except my mom, who still doubted because she had to, wanted to, but deep down with her medical background she knew too.

When I think back on these 3 years, my mind just keeps coming up with the things I would have done differently. I wish that I would have spent each night down there at the hospital instead of coming home. It would not have made any difference in regards to Dylan or his care necessarily, but that is time with him I lost out on. I wish that my mind had been more open and aware, so that I could have read and understood more to help provide better or different care so we could have had him longer. In reality, I don't know that I had any clear thoughts at all from the day we found out until the day he died; and for at least a year after.

The first two summers after he died, I went to his grave almost every day on my walks. This year, I have been only a few times. It is too hard for me to look at his face on his grave, the marker has a picture of him in it, and see this baby who my new baby looks so much like. In so many ways our new daughter has helped us heal and we are so grateful for her and we know how blessed we are that she does not have SMA. But, it is hard too to look at pictures of Dylan and see our daughter and vice versa. It is not an excuse for why I don't go, just the unfortunate reality of genetics.

I don't really know where this post is going. Just the rambling thoughts from a broken heart. I wish I could tell people what it was like taking care of him. What we went through those 9 days in the hospital with the tests to determine it and the horrible confirmation of the disease. How do you explain to people what it feels like to have to tell your parents that their grandchild is going to die? Do you have any idea how painful that is? Or worse, what it feels like to look at your spouse everyday and see your child in their face? To look at them and realize that if we had not married, we might not be facing this, that it is our fault for having fucked up DNA that caused this tragedy? How do I explain to people what the days we spent at home with him doing suction through his nose every few minutes to keep him from choking to death was like? Or waking up in the middle of the night, multiple times, with his oxygen alarm going off because he is not getting enough air and is suffocating, so that means we have minutes to use a cough assist machine, suction, and all our inner-strength to save his life? Do you know what it feels like to sit next to a crib with your child in it while he is hooked up to various machines and think to yourself "I just want this to be over...I don't want him to suffer any more." and then realize what that means? How horrible that must make you feel as a person? How D must have felt when he had to replace the feeding tube and he watched Dylan turning gray, knew that he was dying and he and my mom fought all night to keep him alive so that Dylan would not die while I was out of town on fucking business? Any idea how great that made me feel when I came home and found that out? Think D can get that image out of his head? Or how about making the decision with your husband at 3 in the morning that he has suffered enough, we cannot stabilize him and if we call 911 they will hook him up to a trach machine and then our choices for him are over, so you let him die. Do you understand that, it is basically letting and watching him die?! Do you have any idea what it feels like to watch your child die in your arms as you hold him and cry over him, realizing that this is it? It is just like the say in the movies, the light in their eyes just goes. I will never, ever get that moment out of my mind. I am glad that he died in my arms and had that love surrounding him to the end, but that night will haunt me forever. I seriously, with all my heart, would NEVER wish that pain on anyone, it is consuming and unbearable.

I am sure there are people that think "of course it is bearable, you made it, you're still alive." True, that is something you would think...if you had never been through it and are an idiot. Of course I made it, that is not the question, the important question is did I want to? No, at times I did not. At times I still don't. I know that I am a strong person, I know that I can handle a lot because I have. More than my share. So maybe I was put here to be strong for D and help him through it. I don't know. I just know I did not ask for this to happen, no one does. But I do know that God did not do this to me. It took me a long time to figure that out. After my brothers death I blamed it on God and pretty much turned away from Him. The death of Dylan really brought me back to God, I had a greater understanding of the need to rely on Him and could truly see His purpose in my life. I am not going to get preachy, just stating my feelings people.

I see other little boys that are the age he would be now and I wonder what he would be like. What kinds of things would he be in to, what would his personality be like? And then, I break down. So, I try not to do that too much, I just try to look at those little boys with their parents and smile at the joy they must be sharing. I look at them and I thank God that they are OK and say a little prayer that they get to do all the things in life that my little boy never did. I can tell you this for certain, nothing will make you appreciate your family, friends, and taking each moment as it comes more than losing a loved one. Particularly a child.


Originally I did not mean for this to be a depressing post. I knew I had to write something and just could not let the day pass, but this went farther into the sadness than I meant to, and I am sorry. I just have been thinking about him so much lately and I needed to get this off my chest. I did find the video that was made by a family back East during the FightSMA convention in 2007. I went to that one as it was the year after we lost Dylan and the first year of my chapter with them. This family was making a video to show and hopefully reach a lot of people to make them aware of SMA. I was interviewed for this piece as were other families, but the did not use any footage of that, which is good as I am sure I was a big crying mess. The woman in the interview that talks about SMA and the research, etc., is Dr. Swoboda who took care of Dylan. She is phenomenal, seriously one of the best Doctors on the planet. I am forever amazed at her ability to treat this disease and face this diagnosis with families over and over again, yet still retain her incredible compassion. (The week she saw us there were 3 other cases of Type I, all of them are now deceased.) Dylan is in this video however, right in the front the last baby before the shot of the water. This video will give you a very good understanding of what treating a child with SMA Type I is like.





Invisible Heroes - Full Version @ Yahoo! Video

So after watching that if you are wondering what can you do, do this.

And because, as you know, music is a part of my life I have a playlist of some songs that remind me of Dylan. Beautiful Boy we sang to him all the time, that and Sonny by Mary Black, He's My Son was played at the funeral and it pretty much captures how we felt. I never listen to that anymore. The last one is Held by Natalie Grant. My best friend Sharon brought me that song literally days after he died and said that when she heard it she thought of me, that it was written for someone who had lost a child and she hoped it would bring me strength. It does, I listen to it quite often (thanks Sharon). So, here is the playlist and with that, I am done talking about it for awhile.

Win Lose Draw

I don't know where to start with my comments on last nights debate. I really felt that Joe did a great job of showing that he is own man, but that he supports Obama and that they hold to the same principles. Some have said that he did not mention Obama enough, I felt that he did just fine and that Palin mentioned McCain too much. You know, I get the fact that people like her because she is "folksy" and from the outside, but she is too "folksy" for me. And the winking and smiling....further proof that the SNL skit of the Couric interview was dead on. I felt most of the time that she did not answer the questions, or if she did it was so jumbled with all those extra, unnecessary words that I could not understand her, and I was glad to see Biden call her out on that a good portion of the time. She just has a difficult time with specifics, specifically.

My favorite Biden moment, besides the part where he choked up which was so moving, was this quote ~

"BIDEN: Now, with regard to the -- to the health care plan, you know, it's with one hand you giveth, the other you take it. You know how Barack Obama -- excuse me, do you know how John McCain pays for his $5,000 tax credit you're going to get, a family will get?
He taxes as income every one of you out there, every one of you listening who has a health care plan through your employer. That's how he raises $3.6 trillion, on your -- taxing your health care benefit to give you a $5,000 plan, which his Web site points out will go straight to the insurance company.
And then you're going to have to replace a $12,000 -- that's the average cost of the plan you get through your employer -- it costs $12,000. You're going to have to pay -- replace a $12,000 plan, because 20 million of you are going to be dropped. Twenty million of you will be dropped.
So you're going to have to place -- replace a $12,000 plan with a $5,000 check you just give to the insurance company. I call that the "Ultimate Bridge to Nowhere."

Favorite Palin moment that shows that she really has no grasp, believes that she can have more power than she really does (scary, scary), and that she is a lap dog to McCain ~

"IFILL: Everybody gets extra credit tonight. We're going to move on to the next question. Governor, you said in July that someone would have to explain to you exactly what it is the vice president does every day. You, senator, said, you would not be vice president under any circumstances. Now maybe this was just what was going on at the time. But tell us now, looking forward, what it is you think the vice presidency is worth now.

PALIN: In my comment there, it was a lame attempt at a joke and yours was a lame attempt at a joke, too, I guess, because nobody got it. Of course we know what a vice president does.

BIDEN: They didn't get yours or mine? Which one didn't they get?

PALIN: No, no. Of course, we know what a vice president does. And that's not only to preside over the Senate and will take that position very seriously also. I'm thankful the Constitution would allow a bit more authority given to the vice president if that vice president so chose to exert it in working with the Senate and making sure that we are supportive of the president's policies and making sure too that our president understands what our strengths are. John McCain and I have had good conversations about where I would lead with his agenda. That is energy independence in America and reform of government over all, and then working with families of children with special needs. That's near and dear to my heart also. In those arenas, John McCain has already tapped me and said, that's where I want you, I want you to lead. I said, I can't wait to get and there go to work with you."

So final thought, it was not an overall victory for Biden, but he did perform better in my opinion. She held her own (mostly) and stayed on topic (Maverick, Maverick, Maverick).

Just Do It

Watch and vote. One side or the other, I don't care. Just vote, it is your right and responsibility.

Further proof.....

that my daughter, Missy G, is weird.

Check out these books she brought home from the book fair. Most little girls buy princess stuff, or stories about horses (she used to really love horses, not so much anymore). Not my girl. Instead we get a vast variety of books on animals and their habits, to add to the gazillion other books on animals she has. One on creatures of the deep that has real photos of fish from WAY down on the bottom of the ocean. The picture freaks me out! Then the two she had to get on how to "talk" to her cat and care for it. Finally, there is the Monsters and Villians from the movies and literature book. I am telling you, when I was a little girl there is no way I would have picked up this book, let alone bought it and read it before I go to bed. The pictures are not that bad, and it does tell all about them, where they are from, what they eat (people!). But it just seems scarier than she would want to go. Personally, I think she just wants to study and learn everything about everything.

I guess I cannot blame her. From 12 years on Stephen King has been my favorite author and I have spent many a night wondering why I read them, only to anxiously await the next one. Still, the kid is weird. Did I tell you she borrowed over 200 books from the library this summer? Read them all. Combine that with the books she owns and that is about 400 books! I so appreciate that about her and am glad that we instilled that love in her. But I have to wonder if she is a little obsessed. She insists that we put on one of her books on CD for her to listen to as she falls asleep....after she has read 10 books and been told for the 6th time to turn off the light and go to sleep! See.....weird.

Tin Roof.....RUSTED!

Some people wonder why it is that it is taking my husband a month to reshingle our roof. I realize it is not that big of a roof and I am sure that there are a lot of guys who could get it done faster. There are also a lot of men who could not do it at all and would have to pay for it. However, it takes him that long because a) he is the stay at home dad and has no time during the day b) he is a perfectionist and that just normally leads to things taking longer c) shit like this happens:


Why yes, that is one big ass hole in our roof! (not to be confused with a big asshole, it is all in the emphasis)


This is his dads truck, on its side, across the street from our house. He was picking up a trailer that had all the old shingles on it, fortunately he was not attached to the trailer yet. Unfortunately he forgot to put the emergency brake on. No major damage was done, but it is funny as hell now.

Must See

In case you want to see what SMA is like, at least kind of and get an idea of what the families, and more importantly the children go through, you should watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition this Sunday, October 5th as they help a family with two children afflicted with the disease. I love the show and am so grateful that they help out families who are struggling, regardless of the circumstances. It is on Sunday, on ABC 7 pm MST. Besides, the Jonas Brothers are going to be on.

From the preview, the girls appear to have Type II or Type III, which is very different from Type I that Dylan had. But, it will still give a good sense and hopefully draw a lot more attention to the disease.

Superfreak

So my oldest is a weirdo. Seriously. I love her and she is a complex and fascinating person, however she is weird. She never fails to make me laugh by the things she comes up with and decides to do.

Like these...

But this one, this one takes the cake....

There she is, in her jimjams, with a scarf, sheep ears attached to a headband, dracula fangs, and binoculars. Just a Saturday morning at our house, nothing to see here folks.

Ah, but then there is the moment like this.

My girl, my beautiful, sassy, funny, complicated, weird girl.

I Write the Songs...Favorites

Songwriters~

1. The Beatles - Cannot pick just one, seriously.
2. Bob Dylan
3. John Mellencamp/Bruce Springsteen - it's a tie
4. Lyle Lovett
5. Neil Diamond

Random Irritation #539

Today I had to run to Office Max to buy some supplies for the office. As I usually do, I used the Amex card to check out. Well right there, on the counter, big as life, is a sign that tells you not to set your credit cards on it as it can demagnetize them. So what does the chicky that is checking me out do? You bet your sweet ass she did, put it right on top of it! I snatched it up as quick as I could and then asked her if she was familiar with the sign. You would have thought that I had asked her what newspapers she reads or to explain her foreign policy experience! Needless to say, she will not be helping me out anymore.

Rocktober

I look forward to October every year. Not only is it the month of my birthday, but Missy G has her birthday on Halloween (she is 7 this year...what the hell!). On top of that there is also my stepfather's birthday, my father-in-law's birthday. There is also my son, Dylan's birthday, but that is a post for another day. Anyway, I was looking at the calendar and realized that every weekend, and almost every week, is full of things from now until the second weekend in November! Some people have busy summers, not me, it is always the fall and winter that gets crazy.

Well, who I am kidding, it feels like we are always running around. I am not quite sure how this happened, and really I am not complaining as compared to most people we have very few activities. I am just amazed how busy we get with just the few we have. So, I may not surface very much between now and January!

Fighting Irish

This week Monica asks "what is one personal characteristic you have that you would like to change?"

I am Irish, or at least my temper is (most of me is too, hence the swearing, drinking, falling down). Now, I am all for all things Irish, love the people, love the whiskey, love the country. But the temper, the damn temper. I could do without. I think that it goes hand in hand with my (lack of) patience, but the jury is still out on that one. I really cannot stand being short-tempered, particularly when it comes to my little girl(s). (The baby has not made me lose it yet, but she is trying!) The hard part about the temper is that I feel so bad after I blow up, but then I beg for forgiveness and move on. All the while those people left in the wake of my outburst are still reeling and might not ever get over it. So yeah, that is the one characteristic that needs to be yanked from my DNA.

Andy Warhol Was Right

I found this interesting, but it is a few days late....sorry. On Monday with the big stock exchange panic, of the 500 stocks trading with the Dow, 499 fell and 1 rose. The one that went up? Campbell's Soup Co. So what does that say, in hard times it is not religion or guns that we cling to....it is soup. Mmm, mmm, good!

Forever in Blue Jeans

Having you in my life again
Is like putting on a well worn pair of faded blue jeans
There is comfort in the feel of the fabric
And the way it molds to my body

Then I nottice the edges are frayed
That stains are set in, never to be removed
And parts of the jeans have holes that can never be repaired,
No matter the patches I find to cover them

I wonder as I look at myself in these jeans
Do they still fit?
Are they an item that belongs in my life?
Or am I wearing them again because they are familiar?

For now, I like wearing them again
I want to inhale the old smell and feel of the denim
I want to be sheltered by their comfort
And they way they complement me

One day they may end up in a heap in the corner
Or lost at the bottom of the closet or forgotten in a drawer
Every day now I will put them on,
Ignoring the stains and holes, and embracing the love