Resolute

res⋅o⋅lute /ˈrɛzəˌlut/ [rez-uh-loot]
–adjective
1.firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion.
2.characterized by firmness and determination, as the temper, spirit, actions, etc.

This year that is how I feel, resolute. I am not making resolutions just to have them be broken. I am not just flippantly looking at the year and trying to figure out what I could "stick with". I am being resolute in my commitments, I am being determined in all that I do. I am resolute.

What is spurring this you ask? Settle in, grab a drink and let me tell you. I am out of control. Completely and utterly out of control. Anyone who knows me can imagine how this is settling in my bones. Not well. I have a job that I love, but it takes a lot of effort and a lot of time, which means by the time I do make it home I am undone. I have barely anything left to give and feel like I am expected to give until I bleed. Whatever I do have to give goes to the girls first, school second, the house third, and sadly my husband last. I am resolute.

I am attempting to create a better life for my family, which means that I have gone back to school for my Masters degree. Is this crazy? Probably. Should it have been my husbands turn to go to school or do something else instead. Definitely. So, was this me being selfish or me seeking a better way? I don't know. It is what it is. I am resolute.

I am resolute that somehow this will all work. I am resolute that I will be a better mom. I am resolute that I will be a better friend. I am resolute that there will be more romance and renewed commitment in my marriage. I am resolute that I will just say no to others more and yes to my kids, my husband, my family more. I am resolute that I will become healthier for my girls - to be an example and to show them the right path. I am resolute. I am resolute. I. Am. Resolute.

Wrap Up

Since I am starting back to work in a little over a week, I wanted to evaluate my goals that I mentioned in April for while I am off work. So here is the goal, with the end result-

1. Read, Read, Read - So far I have read over 30 books while I have been off, not to shabby. Alas, the pile next to my nightstand did not shrink, it grew.
2. Go to the Museum - I did go once, but that was not enough for me. It became a matter of time and money unfortunately.
3. Organize the pictures and put them in the album - Mission Completion! I am very happy with how this came out, but of course I now have even more pictures to get developed and in the album.
4. Spring Clean - I donated 6 bags of clothes, 2 bags of toys, and 4 bags of food to our local YCC. The closets are a lot cleaner, but I still do have the bathroom closet and cupboards to clean. Somehow those are the worst and I am just not looking forward to it. I do vow to complete it before I start my new job.
5. Volunteer - I did volunteer some time with my church, but it is not ever enough. Once again this came down to having the free time to do it.

I do have to say that even tho there were times this summer when it was stressful to be low on money and to not have any prospects for employment, I consider it one of the best summers of my life. I was so blessed to be around my children everyday for most of the day and to truly learn more about them as people. I hope my oldest looks back on this summer with happy memories of the time we spent together, and for my baby it has forged an incredible bond between us that I hope to never lose. It could not happened at a better time in my life and I am just so grateful that in the end it all worked out for the best.

Pledge

OK, there is all this uproar now in our state, and others, about this video that is going around and was shown in a school. Now, the teacher who showed it was in the wrong as this is one of those things that is a hot button, but I feel their intentions were in the right place. Personally, I do not see what the big deal is over this video. The message is to make the world a better place, to do your part and make a commitment to it. Just because one person pledges to support the President completely, does not mean that this is asking everyone to...honestly people blow things so out of porportion. I guess I cannot expect anything less, for where there are politics there is mud-slinging. However, I have shown this to my daughter and we talked about what we can pledge (or make a promise to do as the word is defined) to do to make our world better. The pledge was to oursevles, not our, not our President, but to ourselves. Just as most of those in the video appeared to be.

I have heard some people say that this is one more thing that proves or supports that Obama is a Nazi/Hitler. Calling a person that, anyone that, is so very degrading and disrespectful to those people who were directly impacted by the real Hitler. I, for one, am so very tired of hearing the politicians name calling and fanning the flames, rather than actually working towards making this country and world better. Anyway, that is my two cents and I will jump off my soap box.



In case you feel like looking into making a difference, one website is http://www.serve.gov/

Opinions are like, well you know....

OK, so two things I need to just vent about before I go insane. Please realize, these are my opinions, I am sure you have your own and I respect that, hopefully the reverse is true.

First, what is the big deal with the President making good on a promise to his wife and taking her out for a date to New York? Honestly! There is uproar from the conservative quarter of how inappropriate it is, that he is wasting tax payers money, and that it seems very "un-Presidential". My response is that I am impressed that he keeps his promises, seeing as how the date with Michelle to Broadway was a promise to her he made during the campaign. He draws a salary and him going there is no different than Bush flying to Texas, or something similar. Third, I like a President who leads by example, he invests the time in his children, in his marriage, and most importantly in his job. He does an excellent job of balancing it all.

OK, moving on to something more disturbing. So today, in a house of Worship, in front of his family, a Doctor who happens to perform abortions, was gunned down and murdered by a pro-lifer. I never understand why they do this and how they fail to see the irony, or maybe the do not give a shit. How can you be pro-life and kill someone in cold blood?

Crossroads

I am at a real crossroads in my life, and I keep looking around for the devil with his fiddle. I have a job, and while I try not to blog about work, lets just say that my boss wears Prada and it is really, really, warm there. I had to get a new job because I was laid off from the perfect job with this shit economy. So I searched and interviewed, and all that good stuff. Was offered a job with this place and took it. I would really like to move on.

But what do I do? I can stay and stick it out. My health will decline and my family life will deteriorate further. Or, I can cut bait and run. No unemployment, no new job on the horizon, but free. We are pretty financially stable, so I could do 6 months without working and be fine....don't want to, but could. I need help, I need advice, I need something new.

I am really trying to not force anything, you know just letting my life lead me. As a friend from church says "Let go and let God", but it is so hard to know what to do. My D thinks I should leave, so I appreciate that support, but they depend on me too. AARRRGGGHHH....help.

Stuck on a Feeling

Do you ever have those times in your life when you feel stuck? Like you are mired or bogged down in a situation that you cannot get out of?

I am feeling that way now. Stuck in a house that drives me crazy and literally is suffocating me, stuck in a job that I do not like, stuck alone most evenings (well, not true, but after the kids go to bed it is).

I just need to do something. Part of it is my own fault for taking a job so quickly and not allowing a break between jobs, so essentially having two at once. I realize I am lucky to have a job so honestly it could be worse, I know. I just miss what I had and am sorry to have seen it go.

I don't know, maybe I should take a vacation or better yet just get a massage. I am just venting because I had a frustrating week and it seems to just keep going and going. Having to move a pile of Christmas presents 4 times to find a place where it was not in the way did not really help either.

Things will be better tomorrow...the sun will come out!

Addendum to Resolutions

So it is not really an addendum to that, as much as it is a state of mind for where I am in 2009 and want to be. The vantage point that I am wanting to use for this year if you will.

Two Quotes that I am holding on to:

"Your life is an occasion, rise to it" - Mr. Magorium

"When we meet what we're afraid of, we find out what we're made of" - Everything but the Girl "We Walk the Same Line"

Two songs that always move me because they match most of the time how I feel and what I believe about life and our roll in it as humans. Now if I can model that myself, well that is one less ass in the world then isn't it?


(I could not put in video of her singing this song...it is horrible to watch her sing live and I do not want to subject anyone else to the agony. Love her music, hate to watcher her sing.)

Urgent! Emergency! Urgent, Urgent, Urgent! Emergency!

I need help, serious help. I am updating my daughters iPod (something I meant to have done before Christmas, but didn't). Anyway, it is a used iPod that I got from a friend, I removed all her music so there is plenty of free space (it is a Nano that can hold 1,000 songs basically). I have 799 pieces of music that I want to take from my existing library for my ipod and put on this new one. I checked only the songs I want on there, hook hers up, and everytime I get this message "The iPod "name here" cannot be synced. The required disk cannot be found."

WTF?? Help!

Downside

The downside to having a blog is that I use it to vent and get my frustrations about situations out. It is the modern day equivalent of the clown punching bag.(Remember those? They always freaked me out. I mean clowns in general scare the bejesus out of me, but the fact that it would not stay down?? Aaahhh!)

Anyway, the bad part about wanting to use this as my release is that other people read it. Mind you, it is probably not very many, but I never know who is. So there are certain situations that I want to discuss and throw out there, but I can't. I know, I should just be able to say things to people and in most cases I can. But some relationships, some sceanrios are just too complicated. I discovered recently that someone who should know me very well and understand me, does not get me at all. I have realized for a long time that this seemed to be the case, but I believe I was in denial. Now I know, and it pains me more than I can say. So while I would like to talk about it here, I will not. I have heard of others talk about discovering this the hard way on their own blogs, so I think I will just avoid mentioning it. But, the pain and irritation of holding it all inside is not good either.

Maybe I will get one of those punching bags after all. Just not a clown. Anything but a clown.

Guilt by Antisocialization

So tonight after painting all day my husband decided to go do the modern male equivalent of having a few pints with the lads by going to play Gears of War for 6 hours with his best friend - something he seems to do quite regularly. This got me to thinking, why is that men can go do this, or take off and spend hours away from home and not feel guilt? Yet, if I want to take 3 hours one day to go shopping and by much needed underwear, or use my 2 year old gift cards and finally go to the spa, that I feel incredibly, deeply guilty about it? Why is that I will instead decide not to do it, but stay home with the girls and D, because "things need to be done" or I work all week, or whatever?

This really frustrates me and I know that I am not the only one. I really wish I could just not care and be selfish, take the time to do something for me because I deserve it. I need to make some resolution to treat myself better. I need to give myself permission to take time out of life for me.

Sylistically Challenged

Do you ever have those times when you think to yourself "I wish I had style"? I am not talking about your own individual sense of style, I am talking about good style. (Which maybe your own individual style is good, who am I to say?) All I know is that I feel that my style sense sucks sometimes. I have ideas of things I want to do, but then I never have the money to do them. That or my better half finds them weird, so I don't do them. But I look at some people and the things they do, the way they dress and I wish that I could pull it off. I would seriously love to go on "What Not to Wear" and have them fix me, but then I do not think I am bad enough to qualify. (I could be wrong, I have been known to be delusional on occassion)

Here is an example of what I mean~

Our kitchen table set does not match, not in the slightest. The chairs are those wheel around reclining chairs covered in a brown fabric and I hate them! I would love to just donate the whole damn thing, pick up a table and four non matching wooden chairs with great character that need TLC, paint them funky and go with that. D gives that a weird rating however.

I have no idea how to properly put on foundation or makeup beyond the basic eye shadow and mascara out the door. Seriously. Whenever I have tried I freak out because there is too much stuff on my face and then I feel like some unstylish whore.

I have no curtains on my front windows. We have lived there for 9 years now, never had curtains. For the life of me I cannot figure out what the hell to do. I suppose I should just leave it as their are plantation blinds and it is a beautiful bay window, but I feel like it "needs" something.

I have clothes in my closet that I hang on to because one day I will fit into them again. However, when I do fit into them again they will be about 10 years old. I should just move on.

My favorite coat in my closet is a red "Dead Poets Society" style coat that I got when I was fifteen. Amazingly, it still fits and is in great condition. I also love it. But yeah, it is 21 years old! I think it has been in and out of style 3 times by now.

Forever in Blue Jeans

Today I went to the Childrens Discovery Museum at the Gateway with my dad and the girls. It was not a bad experience, even though in hindsight I could have stayed in Ogden, gone to the Treehouse Museum, saved money and enjoyed myself just as much, but whatever. While exploring all the museum has to offer, which is quite a bit, we went to the arts and craft room to color and cut out a cute scarecrow so we would have even more craft crap hanging around my house that I secretly throw away while my daughter is not looking (otherwise she will never let me get rid of it!). While coloring said scarecrow, these teenagers come in with their little sister and sit across from us. I am then forced to listen to the following conversation:

Teen 1 - "OMG, my jeans are too big, I need to get new ones".

Teen 2 - "Shut up, mom just bought those for you. Wear a belt. I have some jeans for 5 years."

Teen 1 - "No way I can do that. Jeans go out of style and in a few months people just aren't wearing that style anymore. Besides, they always have to be designer or I won't wear them."

OK, who the hell are these girls and what the hell are their parents doing? I don't give a shit that you can afford to buy them designer jeans, the issue is that the rest of us have to live a world with the materialistic, shallow, self-centered twits that you created! The only saving grace was that one teen seemed decent. But not only was teen 1 a twit in this conversation she stole the basket of colored pencils, the scissors, and the glue that Missy G was using. Yeah, pissed me off a little.

Random Irritation #539

Today I had to run to Office Max to buy some supplies for the office. As I usually do, I used the Amex card to check out. Well right there, on the counter, big as life, is a sign that tells you not to set your credit cards on it as it can demagnetize them. So what does the chicky that is checking me out do? You bet your sweet ass she did, put it right on top of it! I snatched it up as quick as I could and then asked her if she was familiar with the sign. You would have thought that I had asked her what newspapers she reads or to explain her foreign policy experience! Needless to say, she will not be helping me out anymore.

Rocktober

I look forward to October every year. Not only is it the month of my birthday, but Missy G has her birthday on Halloween (she is 7 this year...what the hell!). On top of that there is also my stepfather's birthday, my father-in-law's birthday. There is also my son, Dylan's birthday, but that is a post for another day. Anyway, I was looking at the calendar and realized that every weekend, and almost every week, is full of things from now until the second weekend in November! Some people have busy summers, not me, it is always the fall and winter that gets crazy.

Well, who I am kidding, it feels like we are always running around. I am not quite sure how this happened, and really I am not complaining as compared to most people we have very few activities. I am just amazed how busy we get with just the few we have. So, I may not surface very much between now and January!

Pissed Off!

I am angry, really, really angry and it is my own fault. We have the two cats you know (for all of you cat haters this post will just be validation of your feelings, even though through it all I don't agree with your position). Well the one cat, Isis, has always been a bit of a shit. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to wash a comforter or throw something away because she decided in a fit of irritation with a dirty litter box to pee on it. It is not all the time, just every now and then when we go to long without cleaning out her box. So we get the new kitty, they get along OK, but I doubt they will be BFF.

Well this past weekend, one of them, has decided to pee in the baby's room! It started out with some pajamas that I had put on the floor rather than in the hamper. Then it moved to some teddy bears and a blanket in a rocking chair, but tonight was the last straw. One of the cats peed in her crib! On the blanket, sheet, and the bumper. I am beyond livid, I am pissed! I love cats, have had them my whole life, but have never had this happen. I never had cats (other than one boy cat that had to mark his territory) who did this on clothes and in such specific areas. I am seriously ready to give them away...something I never thought I would do.

So now I am searching the Internet in the hopes of finding some miracle to fix this short of locking the damn animals in a room at night. If you have solutions, please offer them. If you know of a good home for some dumb ass cats, well provide that information too. (Just kidding, or not)

Things I struggle with....

~ Being around/hearing from/knowing people who fill the need to tell you how great and wonderful there life/marriage/kids are. All this tells me is that you are insecure, so do us both a favor and shut your cake hole.

~ Double standards of any kind. For example, women that get all bitchy and possessive about their husbands/boyfriends and anything they might have done in their past, but then expect their past behavior to be a non-issue.

~ People that believe that gay relationships are promiscuous or that they cannot commit for long term.

~ Having a daughter that gets all upset on the way home from school about the fact that there is not enough SCIENCE in school for her and how dare the astronomers say that poor little Pluto is not a planet anymore.

~ Small talk. Is it necessary or relevant?

~ Waiting 3+ months for another season of Survivor and the Amazing Race.

~ An economy that is in the toilet.

~ Taking time for myself. I seriously always feel so guilty whenever I do this, which is stupid, I know.

~ People that use other people/manipulative people/"teases". Grow up, this is life, not a game.

~ Those people (you know who you are) that must either be the center of attention or they will make everyone else miserable.

OK, I feel much better now. Thanks.

The Apartment

Sometimes I dream of having my own apartment. Sometimes this dream coincides with that wonderful time of the month (ok, to be fair, probably most of the time. And I bet that D wishes I had my own apartment at that time too). However, there are other times when I dream of my apartment simply because I feel the need to get away, just to show everyone how shitty life would be without me and because frankly a dream of a different life is the only thing that keeps me appreciating this one when everyone is driving me absolutely bat-shit crazy!

Whew! So on to this apartment. It is lovely, if you could see it you would agree. It is a ground level apartment of an old Victorian style refinished duplex/house. Surprisingly, it is very girly, but not surprising it is very, very eclectic. It would have to be, I mean, with no one around to demand everything from me all the damn time and then throw a hissy fit when it is not right, I can travel and shop. And it is filled with books, all nicely arranged in my bookshelves, in my library, next to my big comfy chair, that my dog and cat sleep on. (These are imaginary animals of mine mind you). It has a bright and sunny kitchen with a dining room table and chairs that don’t match and are painted funky colors. I eat whatever I want in this kitchen, salads, soups, martinis, ice cream. My bathroom has a claw-foot tub and an endless supply of bubble bath…..and wine. My bedroom has a wrought iron bed, with big fluffy pillows of all different sizes. There is hardly any wall space free as it is all covered with my art collection and pictures of family and the places I have been. I have a patio on my apartment. A quaint little oasis of a garden with a table that I eat dinner on when it is warm and the planter boxes are full of gnomes doing all kinds of crazy things, like pushing wheelbarrows and mooning me. And parked in my garage is a mini Cooper with a sun-roof. At night, after my bath and two glasses of wine, I lie in bed and read. Then I look out my window at the stars, the moon, and the wind gently stirring through my trees.

And then I wake up. To Missy G screaming “Mommy” because she had a bad dream about snails or barbies or lava. I come back to my bed that I share with D, after checking on the baby and watching her sleep. And I lie there, thinking about my apartment, and smile. Glad that it exists in my mind and that I can visit it there when I like, but very happy that I don’t live there all the time.

Bee in my bonnet

What pisses me off is that I can carry more than my share of the weight. I can do all I can to keep life running smoothly, while sacrificing things that I want to do. And yet, and yet...what I hear is a criticism of one thing that is so minor and insignificant that it is laughable. Veiled in sarcasm does not make it any less hurtful either. Since I am unable to return the laptop to its upright and locked position, I may elect not to use it for a few days....woe to you.

Platinum to the Maximum

There is a show on WE network that I have stumbled across a few times called Platinum Weddings. The whole point to this show seems to be to put very wealthy people who spend over $200K on a wedding on camera to show how great they are, how lovely their wedding is, and to basically make everyone else feel like shit about their own wedding. Personally, I loved our wedding. We made it unique in some ways, managed to make mothers happy, and put on a really good party for all our friends and family who came. When I watch this show and see that the brides ring cost $30K, the dress (sometimes 1 of 3 custom gowns) is about $6K, and then the cost of the food for 650 guests $90K, the entertainment flown in from NYC that is $150K, the horse drawn carriage with a specific type of horse, the crystals everywhere, the jewels for the bride, and on, and on, I want to seriously throw up. That is such a waste. Granted, it is the most important day of your life together, but what are you saying when you spend that much money proving it to the world? Who are you doing it for? I totally understand that these people are wealthy and can afford to do it. What I don't understand is why it is more important for them to spend the money on that, rather than trying to help humanity. Think how many homeless people that money could have helped, how many people it could have feed, how many houses could it have built, how many diseases could it have helped find a cure for?

I will get off my soap box for I understand, as my wise friend John once told me "you can not force your morals or values upon other people and determine their actions by your rules". Instead I will just not support that station or show. Small and insignicant, but important just the same.

Strap It

Shane posts a rant the other day about why he is boycotting the Olympics this summer because they are in China and he is totally against them and their horrible human rights record (interestingly, he is not opposed to buying cheap products from a Hell-Mart that were mass produced in a sweat shop by communists...but I digress). Now, like Shane, I LOVE the Olympics, I do not think I have ever missed watching them since I could watch TV and have been fortunate enough to attend two games - the 1984 LA games and the 2002 SLC games. For me the Olympics is about watching these athletes who have worked their whole lives for that one moment. Some of the best moments in sports, at least in my opinion, happen at the Olympics. Because of this, I watch the Olympics so that I can offer my full support. As a supporter of athletes it is my job to be there when situations get sweaty and sticky. To provide that little bit of comfort for when things get rough or hairy. And most of all to offer encouragement when the situation is going nuts.

So to Shane I say, get off your high horse and continue to be the athletic supporter you have always been.