This week Lisa asks us "If you had a good friend who was in a bad relationship, would you say something or keep your mouth shut? Why did you choose what you did?"
I have had a few friends that were in bad relationships, abusive, and I chose to speak my mind. I felt, that whether it damaged our friendship or not, I could not just sit by and watch my friend destroyed. I love my friends too much to allow that to happen to them. The one that I remember the most clearly, mainly because it went on so long, is my friend Stacy. Stacy had a habit of picking men who were abusive, in one fashion or another. This always surprised me because she was such an incredibly beautiful and caring person. I have come to realize that she never saw herself that way, her own sense of self worth was so low that being emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by a partner was all she felt she deserved. Stacy hooked up with this guy, let's just call him shithead, who could be charming when he needed to be, but could also be vicous, cruel, and violent when he wanted to be. He was manipulative, controlling, and very jealous. Unfortunately she loved him, so much so that she had a baby with him and several months later married him. I remember clearly on her wedding day she was telling me that she did not think she should go through with it, but she did. I was honestly ready with the car to drive her away if she had just agreed to it.
Shithead used to beat her, and she would say she ran into a door, wall, fell down. He would sexually assualt her and more than once I heard him say the most horrible and hateful things to her. She and I used to go to coffee several times a week and the entire time she would vent about the horrible things he did, how miserable she was, how she wanted to leave, so on and so on. After those conversations I would go home in tears...so heartbroken and despondent. I finally realized that she was never going to change the situation, that she was using me to get all her feelings out, but that she did not want or would not follow my advice. Finally, I changed the rules. I insisted that she could not speak about him and I did not want to hear his name, until she left him for good and was out of their house, safe at her parents. Several months later after a trip with her family away from him, she saw the light and they divorced.
Eventually she moved away and over time we unfortunately lost contact. If I had to do it all over again, I would. But, I really do not know that anything I said ever got through to her. I know that when I was involved with people who were no good for me, it did not matter what others said. It took me seeing the sign, you know the big flashing "asshole ahead-detour" sign to realize it.
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