Today should have been a good day. You would think that with getting to spend time with the girls and going to an event in the park that it would have been. Yet, again, I found myself wondering why we can have a great start and first half to our day, only to have it end up with me feeling like I went 4 rounds with a rhinoceros and lost.
Our church had helped organize an event for all the local Christian churches to make themselves more known in the community (believe me, this is hard here in Utah where the first question is always "what ward are you in?") and also to raise money, which is always harder for these churches. Anyway, there were a lot of different local churches, bookstores, Christian schools there selling things and having games for the kids. Missy G had a blast doing the ring tosses, "plinko" game, and the mandatory Catholic Bingo game! We also overdid it on junk food, but had a really great time, despite the heat. After that I took both girls to my moms to cool off a little and feed the baby, then it was to our local library for her weekly 10 books. Once we made it home we all needed to just relax, so we chilled out on the couch and watched Minnesota Cuke cuddling together.
Sounds great right? What a wonderful way to spend time with my kids and what a great mom I am huh? Yeah, until my daughter spills her milk by putting it on her plate to bring to the sink and I get so irritated that I say to her "will you just get lost"! I could die, I could just die. Please tell me that I did not say that to my little girl. Please tell me that I just did not crush her little heart by my horrible words!
I did go right up and apologize to her, while she sat on her bed, crying. "You wish I were gone mommy" she says to me. How do I explain to her that I did not mean it? That having already lost a child, there is no possible way in hell that I would ever want her out of my life. How do I make this right? So there I sit, apologizing to my poor little girl, with her tears falling on my shoulder as I think "she will not remember the fun day, but she will remember this".
I try to tell myself that it was a normal reaction considering that someone replaced my child with a moody 12 year old for this summer. But, I know it wasn't. There are lots of mothers who would never say such a thing to their child. I really feel at this moment that I do not deserve either one of them. I am hoping that the evening spent cuddling and watching a movie together, then reading Dr. Seuss tell we could not take it anymore will make up for it somehow. I really hope with all my heart that through it all she feels the love and focuses on that. God, please let that be what she carries in her heart.
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